Letter from God-part1
Dear Puny Earthling,
Thank you for your letter asking me to come to earth to solve the many accumulated problems. I have booked an appointment in my diary to visit earth sometime in the future. If I cannot I will be sending one of my Prophets perhaps all three.
My reason for writing to you puny earthlings, I am having lots of problems in heaven at the moment. The Jihadi’s and suicide bombers from one of my great religions Islam have been turning up in Heaven in great numbers. Each one is demanding 72 virgins as part of my contract. As God i have to honour my contract.
The problem is i am rapidly running out of virgins, therefore i am writing to you puny insignificant earthlings to help me out. If possible can you send me virgins from the planet earth. I am offering good pay, terms and conditions for any virgin with an initial one year contract, after a one month probationary period. This contract can be extended after the one year period for a further five years. Please find below my advertisement and contract for any potential virgin:-
(1) Virgins wanted in Heaven to work for God
(2) No previous experience essential
(3) I (God) offering above the minimum wage, contract hours 25 hours per week, with subsidized dinner and three 15 minute breaks, during work.
(4) Four weeks paid holidays, with free health care package, and relocation allowance
(5) Must be between 12 – 35 years old. (If under 16 yrs parental consent will be required in writing)
(6) Free accommodation, free internet service, mobile phone and shopping allowance.
(7) For those wishing to work extra hours I (God) will pay 2x the standard rate.
(8) Two references required, one from previous employer and one personal reference from some who knows you well
(9) A certificate of Virginity will be needed from your Doctor with any application
(10) I (God) am an equal opportunities employer, we offer flexible working week, including zero hour contracts if requested, you can work on a self employed bases or as partnership or limited company
(11) There is no tax to pay on any earnings, although there is company pension scheme which you need to make contributions as an employee. As your employer (God) i will also be contributing to your pension scheme, which is managed by the Angel Gabriel and Pensions advisory service.
The pension contributions are invested in the following stocks and shares
(a) 20% in floods, parting of seas
(b) 20% in burning bushes, turning water into wine, NHS (healing the sick)
(c) 20% in commandments on stone tablets
(d) 20% in infidels, non- believers and apostates
(f) 20% in Gullible idiots
Please apply in writing or online address God. Heaven. m20 2xy
Kind Regards God